I reach over him and pull the joint out of the ashtray.

“Saved you some,” he says.

“Good call.” I light up and suck in hard. Hold my breath until I feel my eyeballs bulge, and then I exhale the smoke slowly through the tiny O I form with my lips. Before it’s all out, Justin is working his tongue into the O.

He pulls the pins from my hair. Wet strands slap my shoulders as they fall. Drops of water run down my back. Justin licks them up. He cups my chin and holds my head at my shoulder, working his tongue up my neck on the other side. He has learned things since I saw him last year.

We slide until we’re lying down. I feel him hard on my thigh. His arms are smooth, muscles firm and round. He loses his cool when he tries to undress and get the condom on. Underwear stuck on ankles.

“Oh, crap,” he says. “Close your eyes.”

I do. The light goes on for a second.

“Okay,” he says. The light goes off. I hear him fumble with the condom. I hope he pinches the tip to leave room. I had to show him how last time.

It’s good, but not great. He tries too hard. He’s still wearing his socks. He picks me up and carries me over to the wall, but it’s cold stucco. The bumps scratch my back.

“Remember last time?” I whisper in his ear. “On your desk?”

“Yeah,” he whispers, and carries me to his desk. He keeps holding me while he throws notebooks on the floor. I wrap my arms around his neck even tighter and think about what it would be like to stay with him.

When he sets me down gently on the desk it doesn’t take him long to finish.

We make goal by morning.

“Stay another day,” he says when we wake up.

I nod and kiss his face. There’s barely any stubble.

“No, I mean it. Don’t say you will and leave while I’m in the shower. Stay for real this time.”

I kiss him hard, running my finger along the bottom of his lip and the dent above his chin, memorizing the way his lips feel. I wait for the panic I always get when I think about staying in one place for too long, the electric itch in my veins. It doesn’t come.

“Short shower. So short. Don’t go,” he says, rolling over me to get out of bed. He pulls on his boxer shorts and leaves the room.