Slowly, I twist the words. Twist the power. It turns into a song.

I don’t want you

To fall back into me

And I don’t want to want you,

’Cause it’s so easy

I want your love

I want you to want me

Make a choice in my direction,

But don’t fall into me

I press my fingers into the strings on my guitar, without strumming, because it’s late and I can’t risk getting kicked out of the motel. I work chords to the edge of blisters. Hum so softly it may just be in my mind. More words push through.

I don’t want to close my eyes, but eventually I can’t fight it anymore.

The sliver of light through the motel curtains is already strong by the time I wake up. I call the front desk to ask for late checkout and shower with water so hot I feel like my skin could disintegrate and take the bruises with it.

When I’m done, I sit on the bed in my wet towel and flip channels on the television until I find the right one. There’s Matthew. Stuck in a bomb shelter with a woman in a frilly red dress. I guess she’s about our age, but she looks so much more mature than I do. I don’t watch often, and I haven’t seen her before, but clearly she’s meant to be Matty’s new love interest, even though his character is engaged to Sandra’s daughter. I catch them just as he’s reaching for a ration can on a storage shelf behind her. It looks like they’re about to kiss, but then they cut to a scene where Sandra is reading her sister’s will.

I dress and braid my hair and when I look back at the television, there he is with that woman again. He didn’t kiss her. Not yet. The one little candle that’s been lighting the room so brightly will burn out soon. They can’t find another. She’s afraid of the dark. “That’s because you’ve never been in the dark with me,” he says, and gives her that crooked Matty smile. The one that used to be mine. And it looks so real. Maybe it is and their chemistry goes beyond the camera and the lights and the makeup. Maybe she’s why he offered me his couch. Or maybe that smile was never mine to begin with, and I was just as charmed by him as everyone else. He’s not my Matty anymore. Maybe he never really was.