His laugh is bitter. Self-hate emanates from the sound. I fight the urge to comfort him. It has gone beyond that now. ‘Tell me.’

‘Nothing can be done.’

‘Something can be done.’ I take a step closer, wanting to make this better.

‘No.’

I shift my weight onto my left foot, thinking. ‘You betrayed Tom.’

Silence.

‘Allan.’

‘Well, yes,’ he pauses, ‘you see they needed something big or I was done, and it would affect you.’ He drops his cigar and grinds it out. ‘You see it was you, or Tom.’ He laughs. ‘It always has been.’

I stand still. Me or Tom. I’m not blown. Relief floods in but then I know the pressure will build. It would never be enough. Tom and the operation wouldn’t be enough. He would have to give more. That’s the way it worked.

‘So you blew Tom and which operation?’

‘Vauxhall.’

‘Not me?’ I step back.

‘How could I? Think of Diana.’

‘You only chose Tom because of Diana?’ My mouth dries. The truth is never easy. I squint through the darkness. I would choose Diana over him, but I would also have chosen Tom over him.

‘Darling, he was my first love but she, she is everything.’ He fumbles in his jacket, finding his cigarette case.

I swallow.

‘She saw you.’

‘I know.’ He lights a cigarette then grabs the bottle of cognac from the concrete steps of the watchtower and takes a slug. ‘I asked her what was wrong. She wouldn’t say at first but then it came spilling out.’ He laughs madly. ‘Poor mite didn’t understand. I asked her if she’d told you. She lied.’ He took a swig. ‘Not that it matters now.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Allan?’ The clunk of the bottle against the concrete startles me. I jump. I need to control my emotions.

‘It will all become apparent soon enough.’

I grit my teeth. ‘That’s not an answer.’

‘No. But it will have to do.’ He stands.

‘No, it won’t. I need to know.’

‘In this world that rarely applies. You don’t need to know.’

‘What have you done?’

He sways. ‘More than Tom?’

‘Yes.’

‘It’s only Tom that matters and I’ve probably saved him.’

‘When did they turn you?’ I stand my ground as he moves closer. I have been the drop for a year and a half. How much did Allan known about what Victor has been giving us? How much has Tom shared?

‘You remember the trip to Budapest?’

‘Yes.’ I nod, thinking that he was not himself when he returned but I’d just had a miscarriage before he’d left.

‘Then.’

‘Are you that weak?’