‘John?’ She called out. ‘John?’

‘Shit,’ he said.

She heard fumbling.

‘John, where are you?’

He screamed and her heart stopped. She raced forward to where she had left him. He wasn’t there. Carefully she walked to the edge, her mouth dry, and peered over. The risen moon glowed off John’s white t-shirt. Even from this distance she could see the awkward way his body lay.

‘John!’ she shouted, but she knew there was no point. Her hand shook as she dialled 999 and prayed. Sinking to the ground, she was sick and couldn’t stop trembling. This was her fault. She never should have left him here alone. She rocked herself back and forth while she waited for the rescue services, but there was no comfort to be found.

Now Lottie shivered despite the warm evening. A decade had passed, and it was as fresh in her mind as when it happened. That night had changed the course of her life. She hadn’t gone to Ruskin School of Art. Instead she had lived in her mother’s flat in London and gone to Central St Martins. All the while under the watchful eye of her mother’s housekeeper. All trust between her and her mother had gone, and not without good reason. She was to blame. Had she taken the internship her mother had arranged, then she would never have been in Boskenna that night, and John would still be alive. Lottie lived with that knowledge every day. No wonder things had gone wrong with Paul. She didn’t deserve love.

Instinct took her through the darkness and back to the gate. It was possible that the last time this gate had been used was in February when she’d taken Paul to the pub in Charlestown. His reaction to Cornwall and his behaviour towards her grandparents should have warned her something was wrong. But she always looked for the best in people and that was a mistake. Unlocking the gate, she kicked the post to unstick it. From now on she would be alone like her mother. The other way didn’t work. She had tried, she had failed, and she had repeated the process, not learning. Now was the time for a new Lottie.

Peering into the dark, she realized that she hadn’t taken a proper walk yet. And she still needed to clear her head. The evening was cool and she shivered as she retraced her steps. Part of her wanted to walk out to the point but doing it at night wasn’t a good idea. She wasn’t a fool, but many would not believe that if her latest problems came to light.

Changing her mind, she turned around and went towards Porthpean beach. The tightness in her chest eased and her mood improved listening to the sound of the waves. That was where she’d first kissed Alex. She closed her eyes, remembering. It had been as good as she had dreamed it would be. For two years before that, she had trailed after him while he worked for Gramps in the garden. Quite possibly, she had been the most embarrassing version of herself – finding ways to follow him, to see him, to do anything to catch his attention. Even now she cringed at her blatant lovestruck actions.