It is now a year since we first kissed at Shibden. A year of turmoil. A year that I have spent as a character in a novel whose life is turned this way and that with no care for my suffering, just others’ amusement. I’ve told her everything about myself, held up my very heart for her to inspect and she rejects me.

I shall leave tomorrow. The Hall is in a fair state and the estate is in good hands. My aunt seems in reasonable health and has my father and sister to keep her company. If I do not leave soon, she will no doubt fall ill and take a few years to die and all the time I will be stuck here wishing that I’d left when I had the chance. How awful of me to think this way, but I am driven to it. A year of my life I have waited. Wasted. My heart has been in joy and sadness and now falls into a melancholy I do not recognise. I have caught it from her. Her uncertainty, her fear of the future. Damn her. I will leave tomorrow.

There is another thing I must do before I leave, something which has played on my mind since I confessed it: I need to make right with Mr Beech. The poor fellow shoulders all the guilt for the death of our groom, but half the burden is mine. I shall seek him out at Langton Hall to make my peace with him. Though neither of us can be truly forgiven, to share our load may ease our minds. I hate the thought of it, but my mind is made up. I have guilt enough for the dead man, but to feel guilty for a man who lives when it can be amended is foolish. I was informed by Isabella that it was deemed an accident and that they paid our dead groom’s family handsomely. I shall put my fate in the hands of Mr Beech. Prison or the gallows may await. It will be some good gossip for Halifax.

If I am still a free woman, I will then call in on Mariana. It’s been too long, I find myself missing her. I wonder if I should tell her of the turmoil which has vexed me this past year? Will we laugh together at how I could have been so duped?

Shall I tell Miss Walker all this? Shall I tell her that her decision is ‘no’ and I am going to see my former love? That would be cruel. I shall tell her simply that I am heading for London and do not know how long I will be gone. I may venture farther. She’d hoped I’d put down roots here and would just wait for her forever. Instead, we shall part as friends and I shall see where I find her when I return. What care I?