Oh dear, there is nothing I can do. I am no good at lying. If Mrs Priestley were to ask me out loud, or even in a letter, I would have to tell her the truth. It’s been a week now since New Year and no word from her since she ran from Crow Nest. I should have gone after her, perhaps told her I’d been upset over something and that Miss Lister was comforting me – but I do not know how much she saw. Miss Lister said that she must have seen enough to be certain for her to have left like that. She will probably never speak to either of us again. I’ve lost a friend! What if she tells others about us? Mr Priestley, my cousins, my aunt?

Then to have done what I did afterwards! Instead of going after her, begging forgiveness, telling her I’d been led astray, that I would never see Miss Lister again, instead I take her up to my bedroom and allow her to… like a common whore! Oh, how low I have fallen!

But can I really blame Miss Lister when I have been complicit all along? This is what I want, this pleasure. These desires come from me. Everyone will now know anyway – why do I not just move in with her and hide away at Shibden? I will not have to face anyone else again. I am an independent woman of means with no need for any contact with my family and friends. If they do not like what I am then so be it! They are no friends of mine. It seems because I am different from all that’s expected of me that Miss Lister is my only true equal. I shall be with her alone. She will be enough for me.

My mind is made up. My answer is yes. I will be her companion, partner, whatever she wishes. I will commit to her.

I’ll ask Mrs Ainsworth what she thinks when she arrives. I value her opinion. She has never met Miss Lister and does not know the politics of our families and estates. I will not, of course, tell her everything, but she can help me decide. I wish she would visit alone! Her husband is best avoided; he reminds me too much of an indiscretion, something I have tried hard to forget. I write to her and say I am unwell and wish for her to visit me alone as it will be tiresome for her husband with no male company.

Miss Lister