After a few glasses of wine, I get my hand up her skirts and she allows me, but keeps her thighs pressed together so all I feel is her drawers. She asks me if I will stay with her and keep her warm for the night. The way she says it is not in the least arousing; I’m aware she means fully clothed. It is torturous to be so close to her, but the barriers of cloth and frigidity are as insurmountable as a ten-foot wall.

I refuse to stay and angrily stomp all the way back again to Shibden, close myself in my room and take my own pleasure, several times. I am too annoyed to sleep so get back up and read some of my diary, once again looking back over the months since I met her. If I was looking on at my own situation, I would firmly advise myself to give up on her.

Miss Walker

I receive word from my dear friend Mrs Ainsworth that she would like to visit in the new year. We have known each other since we were children. We were so close until she married. I have not seen her now for many years, but we always write at Christmases and birthdays. Unfortunately, she says she will be coming with her husband. How I wish she would come alone, but at least I will see her. I can talk to her freely, not about everything, of course, but I can tell her of my friendship with Miss Lister and what she proposes; that we shall live together as companions and have a joint household and swear to never marry. Mrs Ainsworth may think us peculiar, but she will hopefully see that it makes sense. I’ll not mention the Moss House. I’ll not look her husband in the eye. I’ll not be afraid of him.

Miss Lister has it in her head for us to take a trip to York in the new year. She wants me to see a doctor about my aching back and to see if he can advise me on why I am so tired, when Miss Lister, twelve years older than me is able to wake up with a strength and vigour I’ve never possessed and walk farther than I could dream of. Miss Lister acts as if seeing him is urgent, but I know I have always been this way and other doctors have never found a cure for my back. I think the real reason to go is that she wants to visit old friends and introduce me.