I am now begging for her affections. I hear myself tell her she need only love me a quarter as much as I love her, and I’d be happy. What foolish words! When did I become so meek? I hear myself mewling and dislike what she has made me, yet I am still optimistic she will submit. I know I must be gentle but am reminded by my reflection that I may not have many more chances to find love. How long do I wait for her returned affection, when she, twelve years my junior, could easily try again with man or woman?

I am changed. I told my aunt, in whom I’d previously confided about my desire for us to set up home together, that it will not work. I gave the excuse that Miss Walker will not give up Crow Nest, nor I Shibden. I will give up Miss Walker instead. I look back over my diary pages and see the times she has cried, changed her mind, left me frustrated. She should be lucky to have me. Finally, several months from our first kiss, I decide I shall move on without her. I feel somewhat relieved.

Mrs Priestley visits with her usual festive cheer and a hamper of delights for our family. She tells me she thinks my visiting Miss Walker this year has been good for her and she’s noticed a considerable change in her demeanour since meeting me and spending time with me. That will be all the orgasms, I want to tell her, but keep that to myself.

I may be good for her, but I doubt now that Miss Walker has been any good for me.

With nothing else to amuse me I venture to her house again to give my own Christmas greetings. I am all set to end it, but it seems cruel at this time of year so I secretly hope the season of goodwill will prompt her to make up her mind. I will give her until the end of January.

As I stomp over to her estate in the bitter cold, leaving my family around a warm fire with wine, I remember how each time I head over this way I believe it may be the last. How long can we keep this game up? I start to think again of travel plans for next year. I have my atlas out at the ready. Nothing prevents me leaving but her. Let us see how far she is prepared to go for me. One last try.