How quickly Mariana fades when I have a new interest. Life has got in the way, the days have wearied us, age progresses and now draws us apart. Mariana and I now have far more days apart than together. Her letters seem shallow, informative, not as they once were. Our letters used to be exciting, begging of each other to confirm our next meeting, exulting that we missed each other and found everyone annoying as no one else could compare. But now as I read her words, she seems distant; an old flame, as they say. She is fading into the background. My life now has a new breadth of possibilities stretching before me, a new companion who may come and live with me here at Shibden, who may travel with me to the farthest corners, who may pleasure me, who may end up where I always envisaged Mariana to be: next to me, nearby, for all time.

I wonder if Mariana can feel herself fading from my life? Will the presence of Miss Walker remove the smoke from her eyes and reveal to her how she feels, that I am her true love, her husband? Has it been too long? Have we hurt each other beyond repair? Or will the thought of truly losing me to another be enough to sway her heart back to mine?

Another visit from Miss Walker and a walk to the woods, another kiss, another secret. She worries that we will be seen. I shall have to build us a private place where we can meet, so she will relax and let me kiss her unhindered. I assure her the legalities referring to men kissing men are far removed from affecting women. Women, particularly single women with no attachments, are free to do as they please.

She lets me kiss her again.

Miss Walker

I live for our walks, our kisses, but a guilt grows in me about a truth she does not know. My engagement.

I received a letter from Mr Fraser only a few days after his proposal to tell me he had fallen from his horse. He told me he would mend soon and looked forward to seeing me and planning our wedding. He wrote to me again to tell me he loved me and not to worry, not to rush to Scotland to see him as I had offered, as he would drive down and collect me as soon as he could. He told me he would take me to meet his mother and sister and that they couldn’t wait to meet me.