Sometimes I imagine the sea. I’d like to see it, just for a bit and then be whisked back home by nightfall. Miss Lister has travelled widely. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like. I have been to the Lakes and to my sister’s house in Scotland and hated every minute of it. I am like a fish out of water. I know my home. My servants. The order of my days. Perhaps that’s why I could never write a diary; I do not deserve one as my experiences are so unimportant.

What if I were to reply yes? I could perhaps see how far the plans are set. Perhaps Miss Whitaker wrote to me in the knowledge that I would say no. Shall I surprise her? I’ll write back and say yes. But not yet; I need to leave time for my grief to pass. I cannot let her think I have not taken adequate time to grieve for my loss. I would be planning my wedding now and sending her an invitation if God had not intervened.

I believe John would have approved of Mr Fraser. He had kind eyes and was not much larger than I. He was not intimidating but seemed as shy as I was when he made the journey to see me. Elizabeth recommended him as being better than most of her husband’s acquaintances and very pleasing to look at. Not much wealth but enough to show that he was not desperate for mine. He had managed to reach the same age as me without a wife and seemed to wake up one day and realise that perhaps he should make an effort. Of course, he could have chosen someone ten or fifteen years his junior but my sister, ever on the lookout, sold me to him. Somehow.

I was nervous for weeks, not sure why on Earth I’d agreed to even meet him. There were a few things she told me that made me wonder, made my step skip a little at the thought that this could be it. She told me he had a kind face and was earnest. He had served briefly with Sutherland many years ago as a clerk and then dabbled in printing and travelling, then went home to look after his mother and sister when his father died. He was now in want of a wife. The situation would be to live with him half the time at his home in Scotland, near my sister, which would have been wonderful, and half in Yorkshire, where he could keep an eye on the estate. He was a good businessman, she told me, and again she said that he was kind.