To see a corpse makes one feel more alive, I believe, and in some way, more detached from one’s own body. It is just a vessel. A marvellous but flawed vessel whose appearance we cannot choose. Our bodies do not reflect us, but may limit us, or set us free. They are how people see us and judge us, dictating our life’s course regardless of the soul inside. To see one cut open, the raw flesh and muscles and tissues and veins, I watched on in wonder. Had I been a man, I would have been a doctor. Probably not the most sympathetic doctor as I find many people infuriating, but I would have worked on research at the forefront of science. They believe they can re-animate a body! I should like to see that.

Here in Yorkshire, the world closes in and I am absorbed with what women usually focus on – finding a partner – and this neighbouring heiress Miss Walker is now a viable choice. After suffering pleasantries with the family yet again, she suggests we go for a walk, and I know well what she means. More kissing in the woods or can we finally move to something more? If only we had a private place away from our houses and families. What would be the chances of finding a lover just on the border of my own estate, who has been there all along? She is in my mind ever more and I can tell I have infected hers, but my previous loves come back to haunt me and make me wary. Can I really love again, or trust another with my heart?

After poor Eliza was taken from me and I met Isabella, I had hoped that she would be the one for me. She certainly felt the same as me about women and we did have some fun, but she was never enough for me. I feel cruel for it, but she was not clever enough. Though she pleasured me well and could be good company, I knew I needed more to spend my entire life with someone. I loved her home at Langton Hall, perfectly situated just seventeen miles from York, and we could have lived between our two homes; her sister, brother and mother were all good company too. Her brother was the same age as me and we got along well. His wife died a few years ago, but he now seems content to come and go with his son Thomas, the next to inherit, leaving a female household of three women, none of them with any inclination to marry. But I did not choose her. I chose Mariana, who was never meant to be mine.