Oh, if only she were a man, I would not hesitate. I would have begged her to propose, probably after our first meeting. I would have had no doubt in my mind that I could spend the rest of my life with her, share all I have with her. It would have been a perfect match. She has her own money so would not be desperate for mine, though I’d happily share it. We already have some of the same friends, so I would not have to move far, if at all. I would not be dragged up to Scotland like my poor sister, plucked from all she ever knew to be with him. Oh God, how can You be so cruel to snatch one suitor away from me and then place another before me, even more perfect, only for it to be disallowed? Not legally I suppose, but morally and in Your eyes. Is it a test? Do You tease me with her? Am I being punished? Is my whole life to be tormented?

Miss Lister, how I wish you were a man. I would marry you this instant.

Or is it because you are not a man that I have fallen for you? Is that wrong? That when I think of you, I think of your soft lips, your female form… Oh, I am wicked and must pray for forgiveness.

Miss Lister

She kisses well; I am sure she has done so before. She must have at least some experience, though it surely cannot compare with my own.

With Miss Walker packed off home again, Marian seems very interested in my new friend. We talk for a while in easy company as sisters should, but we always end up riling each other. I do not know what starts the argument, but she marches off and I am left wishing our brother Samuel were here, the three of us again. School gave me the independence and educational start I needed, and returning home again just made me want to leave. Mother, Father, Marian. The only joy was when Samuel came home, but then he joined the Army. He left us for Ireland and would never return. He drowned, the letter said. No details. An accident.

He had been a strong swimmer.

We had written to each other always. I’d shared everything with him. I was angry for years that he would be foolish enough to get himself drowned and leave me. I was now the eldest of our Lister clan; with just Marian and I surviving of the six of us, and all our mother would say was, look pretty or neither of you will be chosen.