And now I am alone; but Miss Lister has entered my life and may offer me a different path of comfort and protection. With her as a neighbouring companion, I would be able to stay where I know, where the people are familiar, with my memories surrounding me. And I believe she offers something else too, something I have only glimpsed and been denied: pleasure. A blush rises to my cheeks and I am sure she sees it. She stands abruptly and takes me for a walk; she does not invite Marian, and I am whisked away into the woodlands and our mouths find each other once more.

To be held by her makes me feel so alive; more would be to burst. I look into her face and she seems earnest. I never want it to end, but she turns us back towards home and we carry on with our walking as if we had never stopped. Before long we are back at the Hall and she is bundling me into my carriage and I am hot and flushed and know not what to say other than a meek goodbye, and please call on me soon.

I try not to think about the gossip I have heard about Miss Lister. Now that I know her, I shall make up my own mind. Admittedly, I now know well that something I heard is true: she certainly will never marry a man.

I believe I have been luckless in love. I assumed I would be chosen, as I was taught I would be. That I would not have to worry about it, or actively pursue. I never imagined that I would reach this age and be a spinster. I will be thirty years old next year. I am probably past having children now, or would struggle to have them. My body feels older. Small lines corner my eyes and remain visible across my forehead, which will only deepen in time. I’m tired more often, my back aches all the time and I am always between a headache or soreness in my throat or a cough I cannot shake off. I no longer feel as I did even just a few years ago. I was still filled with hope, and even after what happened… I still believed I stood a chance at happiness. But then God chose to pluck my one chance of a good marriage away from me too… and I am questioning my own sanity for having feelings about another woman.