Sweat was already beginning to prickle the small of my back and under my arms, the air so hot it felt as if the breath was sticking in my throat, clogging and choking. I took another swallow of champagne and headed for the gate, out of Daniel’s field of view, through into the vineyard and immediately right, away from the villa, somewhere I wouldn’t be seen. I walked along the end of the rows of vines, each one perfectly straight and spaced a few feet away from the next. After a minute I checked over my shoulder again: I couldn’t see Daniel on the balcony any more, or anyone else.

I kept walking. The more I walked, the more the feelings rose, like a tide coming into shore. The further away from the villa I got, the worse I felt, my heart thundering in my chest. Fight or flight.

Once again it occurred to me that perhaps I should just confront Sean. March upstairs and tell him that I knew, that I had discovered his secret, and unless he told me the truth, right this minute, I was going to pack my clothes, grab the children, and leave him here. Head straight back to England on the next available flight. But I couldn’t work out whether this was the smart thing to do, the brave thing. Or the dumb option. Was it the worst possible option I could take? As I stood there, it seemed it was all of these things – or maybe none of them. Because there weren’t any right answers any more, only answers that were slightly less wrong than the others. No black and white. Just grey, all grey.

I stopped, held my hands out in front me. They were shaking, trembling uncontrollably, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I’d never experienced one before, but I knew the symptoms and I knew what this was: a panic attack.

Slumping down against a vine, I closed my eyes and felt the tears come again.

Chapter 8

8

Crickets filled the evening air with their soft burr as we meandered slowly down the hill to the restaurant. In front of us, Lucy was talking to Rowan, Jennifer and Alistair, while Russ carried Odette on his back. The three boys were somewhere further ahead, Daniel scampering after the two lanky teenagers like a puppy desperate for attention.

I had reapplied my make-up and knocked back a second glass of champagne to calm my nerves. Sean and I were bringing up the rear of our little group, him walking beside me in a not entirely straight line.

‘So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?’ he said. ‘Or do I have to guess?’

He put his hands in his pockets and extended the crook of his arm. Reluctantly, I linked arms with him.

‘Nothing’s wrong,’ I said.

‘I thought you’d be happy to be here.’