I could tell Ben was avoiding me. We weren’t often in the flat at the same time and days had passed without us holding a conversation that consisted of more than a few words. He wasn’t spending much time at home either. The fridge was too full, the steaks I’d bought, just in case, were running towards their use-by date. Now relegated to the confines of the freezer. There were no cereal bowls left on the side, no sugar spilt over the worktop near the kettle and the teabag cannister was still full. I must have upset him, but he was never around long enough for me to clear the air. Yesterday I’d sent him a text asking if he was all right, and did he want to go for a drink? He took an hour to respond, apologising, he’d been busy with work and maybe we could next week. He didn’t sound like his normal self, the text seemed stiff and unnatural.

I desperately missed him being around, the flat was lifeless and empty, mirroring my hollow insides. Maybe he thought I was a lost cause, or I wasn’t interested in helping myself? Perhaps me pulling away from him ruined any chance of friendship between us?

I continued to go to the boxing club for self-imposed training and jogged there and back without the need to slow down and walk. The trainers had made a real difference and I bought some chocolate flavoured protein powder from the health food shop. The intention was to have one for breakfast every morning. My fitness levels had improved and for fun I’d screwed a chin-up bar in the door frame of the lounge. Chuffed I’d manage to fit it myself. Lifting your own body weight was difficult to do, but so far, I’d managed five in a row.

Jason hadn’t been around for a while. I trained in the afternoons and I think he did the mornings and evenings. He didn’t ask me out, which saved an awkward conversation. Was Ben telling the truth about that? Instead, we’d chatted about the exercises I was doing, and he commented on the definition already showing in my shoulders and arms. He offered to dig me out the books he’d studied whilst he completed his personal training qualification. He was cagey when it came to talking about Ben, which gave me the feeling he’d confided in his mate about what went on between us.

The psychiatrist’s appointment was at three in the afternoon. Initially I had been determined to cancel, stewing over it all week. I couldn’t see how it was going to benefit me. Ben had been the one to change my mind about going, although not by anything he’d said. If I went to the appointment it would show him I was trying.