S It’s pouring. We haven’t seen another vehicle in hours. We’re surrounded by wilderness. I storm off into it

J The switchboard’s gone crazy, lines are crossed, everything’s ringing at once, except the one call that can’t get through. The one call that reassures me everything’s going to be all right

S After a lifetime’s worth of character-killing implosions, I finally lose it in the middle of a field surrounded by mountains. I start screaming, stamping the ground, fists clenched, eyes all screwed up and gummy, until my throat burns and I collapse on to the muddy ground, sobbing – for all the years and all the times I never could

J Must have gone half a mile. Turn round a bend, and wait

S I fling myself backwards on to the mud and lie there, sinking, arms and legs splayed. I let the earth take my weight and tears

J Five minutes. Ten minutes

S I want to close my eyes and sleep

J Twenty-five minutes. Now he’s pushing it

S I need superhuman strength to scramble up and look for the car. My jeans are stuck to my legs, mud is plastered all over my hair, in my ears, under my fingernails. I’m clogged up with snot, and tears are starting to calcify on my cheeks

J There he is coming towards me, like an abominable creature lurching from side to side, slowly. Obviously hasn’t learned his lesson, has he?

S I knew she wouldn’t have gone far

J Switch on the engine as he approaches, then, when he gets close, scoot noisily off like some juvenile joy-rider. You started it. Happen I’ll finish it, matey

S You mad heifer! I howl beneath the roar of engine and rain

J See him in the mirror, jumping up and down, punching the air, mouth opening and closing. Fifty yards down the road, I stop. Engine on. Let’s see if you can eat humble pie now, Mr Quantitative Analysis

S I fight the impulse to start walking in the opposite direction. Night is sinking its claws into the fields and mountains

J Here he comes. What’s this? Putting on that cocky amble of his what I hate. He reaches the door and adios, amigo, screeching tyres, full steam ahead, three hundred yards, at least. This is what happens when you turn your back on your guardian angel. This is what happens when you betray my trust, not once but twice

S I’m freezing. I’m sodden. I don’t run towards her. I walk because, although Stanley is exhausted, Stanley still has his dignity

J Just as he reaches for the handle, off I go at full throttle. This is what happens when you break my little heart. This-is-what-happens-when-you-break-my-little-heart, comprenez?

S I don’t care any more