‘Come on, Ruth,’ she says. ‘That’s just a thing you say when you’re young. I’m a woman now. Like you. I want the same things.’ She gives me a serious look. She is a woman, though she acts like a girl. ‘Do you think I would’ve survived the first month here with all these dying people if I was looking for excitement?’ she says.

The sink gurgles.

I remember this. I was in the Bowl one morning. Alanna and the Lolitas were giggling and whispering. I knew it was about sex. I couldn’t focus on my work. Then I heard Alanna say, ‘Jesus Christ, don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationship with their partner like they’re hooked on life support or something?’ It pissed me off how she phrased it.

I asked what was going on and the three of them laughed. One of the Lolitas grinned and said it was material unfit for a girl like me. The cheek of it. She meant a woman as ‘settled’ as me and it made me feel a million years old. It must’ve shown on my face because Alanna, sweet Alanna, with the bouncy ponytail and squeaky-clean soul said, ‘Ruthi, it’s just silly stuff. The girls are being silly. I’m just not looking for stability right now.’

The Lolitas quietened. She has that kind of authority over them.

I watch her exquisite profile as she tips out the bedpan.

‘Where did you meet?’ I say.

‘He’s a good guy, Ruth,’ she says, inconsequentially. Had I asked? She looks right at me. I freeze.

‘If he makes you happy,’ I say.

‘He will. And anyway, I think I’d like to have a party.’

Because of course she is having a party. A hen-do. I’m sure the Lolitas are over the moon.

‘I’ve not told the girls about it yet,’ she says, ‘and that’s the other thing.’

‘What other thing?’ I say.

‘Well, we go back, don’t we! We’ve been in this together, y’know? The shit and piss and all the rude bullshit we’ve got to put up with.’ And it’s true. We do put up with a lot of bullshit; people are sometimes rude, they do sometimes soil themselves, do die eventually.

She shakes her head like she’s trying to remember a thought. ‘Come on, Ruth. You’re one of my oldest friends. You showed me the ropes. I would’ve been lost without you. You’ve always had my back, Ruth.’

What does she want? Why does she keep saying my name?

Her eyes are very blue.

Another time I watch her while she undresses out of her work clothes. I’m not sure this second dream is a dream.