look we got drunk

she insisted

things escalated.

i made a mistake.

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 01:54

it’s happened to all of

us.

FROM: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 01:54

i guess

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 01:54

look I really

really just want a

chance to explain this

in person?

FROM: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 01:55

y am I still talking to

u it’s almost

2am

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 01:56

yes, why?

makes you wonder

FROM: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 01:57

i just wanted to

figure stuff out

i guess

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 01:58

you know now.

i told you what happened

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 01:59

but you’re still here

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:05

are you still there?

FROM: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:06

yes

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:07

look, I am back

in a week’s time.

do you want to

meet up?

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:10

talk it thru in person?

FROM: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:15

i’m not sure what

that means but

ok

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:15

can I call you?

FROM: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:20

it’s 2:30 in the morning

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:22

not now.

when I’m back.

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:22

i’ll call you when I’m

back, OK?

FROM: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:25

ok

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:26

no reason to hide OK?

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:27

bluebird?

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:28

blue?

i’m coming back soon and

i’m coming for you?

TO: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 02:30

OK?

FROM: RUTH BEADLE

02/07/06 — 07:15

ok

MOISTURIZER

Ruth

Now

What to wear? I need to think about what to wear, the Lolitas urge me. A shopping trip is imminent. In preparation I collate the data I’ve amassed on body types over the years. There are five standards: apple, pear, hourglass, inverted triangle, rectangle. Depending on your choice of secondary reading, you might identify further shapes: the diamond, the lean column, the Corinthian column, the stick man and the fuck doll. It seems reassuring to start with fruit types and basic geometric shapes.

To find out your body shape, stand naturally with your legs together and your arms away from your sides. Examine the area from your underarms, past your bust and ribcage, over your waist and hips, to the fullest part of your thighs. That’s your shape.

In preparation for the big night, the Lolitas take me out to look for an outfit. They are hoping I might be persuaded to update my wardrobe. By now we have begun referring to the hen-do as ‘the big night’. We leave work when it’s still light outside. The March evening is bright and crisp. On the way to the shops I exchange a sorrowful look with a woman in a camel-hair coat, walking two small Chihuahuas. The dogs have diamanté collars, which choke them as the woman drags them by their leads. I am envious of their group dynamic.