MY HEAD IS a bit fucked; basically cause ah took a couple ay jellies tae come doon. Stupidity and sleaze, that’s what it is. Schemie windows. Ah look at the world through schemie windows. The phone rings by the bed. Nukes is on the other end of the line.

– Lloyd … it’s me.

– Nukes. Awright. Recovered fae last night, or wis it this mornin? Ah cannae git gaun, man. Took a couple ay these fuckin jellies tae come doon …

– Tell ays aboot it. Ye gaun tae the fitba?

– Naw … ah fancy a pint.

– Ah’m intae seein what the view’s like fae the new stands, eh.

– Fuck the new stands up the hole, man.

– They look awright but … fuckin better than the Jambo’s shite.

– Aye, cheap B&Q flatpack rubbish. Gary MacKay knocked them up when thir wis nae fitba oan Sky one night. Dinnae ken if ah could sit in the one place for ninety minutes but, Nukes …

– Awright then chavvy, we’ll keep oor options open …

– Sound.

– Right, see ye in The Windsor in half an hour. Dinnae phone up Ally but. If ah hear that cunt spraffin oan again aboot how good Jon Digweed wis the other week, or aboot how brilliant Tenerife is, ah’ll throw the cunt in front ay a bus.

– Right … that chancin cunt telt me Digweed wis shite.

– The cunt sais the same aboot Tony Humphries. Eh eywis starts the night by saying everything’s shite. Later oan ye hear um tell some cunt it wis no bad and then, by the end ay the night, aw eh kin talk aboot is how brilliant it wis.

Ah take a shower and try tae get moving. These fuckin jellies: never again. Ah stagger out up the Walk tae meet Nukes. We go off on the pish. We take a couple ay jellies each to save money. Nukes had a sound argument: – Ye get the same effect with a couple ay jellies and four pints that you would get fae thirty pints. Why gie they brewer cunts the money and waste time?