Ally’s right over to me. – That wee Hazel, a total wee doll. Dirty cunt man, you, eh. Fuck sake, Lloyd, ah wish ah wis sixteen now and had aw this. Punk and that, that was shite compared tae this …

Ah look at him and then look around the room, – But ye have got it, ya daft cunt, just like you had punk, just like ye’ll have the next thing that comes along, cause you refuse tae grow up. Ye just like tae have yir cake n eat it. It’s the only fuckin way, man.

– Nae point in huvin yir cake if ye cannae fuckin well scran it back, eh, no?

– This is brilliant … how wis Tenerife by the way? Ye never really telt ays.

– Ace, man. Better than Ibiza. Ah’m no jokin. Ye should’ve come, Lloyd. You’d have lapped it up.

– Ah really wanted tae, Ally, but the hireys fucked it but, eh. Cannae save, that’s ma problem. What aboot John Bogweed last week? How wis that?

– John Bigheid? Shite.

– Aye.

– Happens though, eh.

– Aye … jist nivir goat intae the stuff eh wis playin … mind you, some ay it wis awright … you’re a dirty cunt …

– Ah know, ah know. You should fire intae Amber. She’s up fir ye, man.

– Fuck Lloyd, man, ah cannae be bothered shaggin Amber. I’ve started tae feel bad aboot chasin wee dolls, fillin thir heids wi shite and knobbing them, then runnin like fuck until the weekend, man. Ah feel like ah’m between fourteen and sixteen years auld again, when it was just a shag tae try and get it over wi as soon as possible. Headin straight back tae the first stage ay sexual development, me, eh, man.

– Ah aye, what’s the next stage?

– Ye take your time, gie the lassie a good feel, try to get her tae come, find clitoris, try oral sex … that wis me fae aboot sixteen tae aboot eighteen. Then eftir that, fae aboot eighteen tae aboot twenty one, it wis eywis positions wi me. Dae it different weys, try different approaches like doggy style, on chairs, up the erse and aw that sort of stuff, sort ay sexual gymnastics. The next stage was tae find a lassie and try tae tune intae each other’s internal rhythms. Make music thegither. The thing is, Lloyd, ah think ah’ve passed that stage and ah’m headin back in the full circle when ah want tae go forward.

– Maybe yuv jist covered everything, ah venture.