– S’awright, mate, wir jist alang the road … wir jist alang here … jist cause ah’ve goat a restaurant though, pal, it disnae mean tae say that ah’m some big rich bastard who’s hud it aw handed tae them oan a silver plate. Ah’m jist like they boys, they pals of yours. Stealin fae thir ain kind! That’s what that wis. That’s the thing that disgusts me the maist. Ah mean tae say, ah’m fae Yoker, ye know Yoker? Ah’m a red sandstone boy, me.

He’s fuckin rabbiting oan a load ay shite and I’m fuckin blind and my breathing is fucked oh no don’t think about fuckin breathing no no no bad trip hopeless when ye fuckin think aboot the breathing most bad trips happen when you think about the breathing

but

but we’re different from say dolphins, because these daft cunts have tae think consciously about each breath they take when they come up for air and that. Fuck that fir a game ay sodgirs the poor cunts.

No me but, no Lloyd Buist. A human with a superior breathing mechanism, safe from the acid. You didnae have to think aboot the breathing, it just happened. Yes!

What if

WHAT IF, BUT, no no no but what if no no no a staggering trip; me now flying off into space seeing the Buist body: a deserted shell being dragged along to the mass murderer pervert restaurateur’s lair, this body being folded over a table with lubricants applied to the arsehole and penetration achieved just as the victim’s carotid artery is severed with a kitchen knife. The blood is expertly drained off to be collected into a bucket to make black pudding and the body is systematically dismembered following being pumped with Yoker semen and that night in the trendy West End eating house the unsuspecting Weedgies sit spraffing unaware that instead of feasting on their usual dead rats they are munching the remains of Lloyd A. Buist, an unattractive divorcee of the parish of Leith, integrated into the City of Edinburgh in nineteen canteen, naw naw hud on, nineteen twenty cause ah ken my history and it’s enough tae make yir hearts go ooh la la ah fancy a shag cause ah just saw something or someone gorgeous really fuckin gorgeous pass my line of trance-vision up here in the clouds but yeah, they took Leith into Edinburgh in spite of a popular plebiscite that rejected the merger by a ratio of something like seven billion to one but aye, they did it anyway because these stupid schemie cunts ken fuck all and they need a good benign central authority to tell them what is in their interest and that’s how Leith has fuckin thrived ever since then ha ha ha like fuck … except for a few incoming yuppies but obviously the story of Leith had broader implications