Imagine getting me, Lloyd Buist, me, confused with Lloyd Beattie, the cunt that was rumoured to have shagged his wee sister. Ah huvnae even got a fuckin wee sister. I rest ma fuckin case, your honour; your judge, jury and executioner psychopath who begins every Leith pub conversation with: Ah mind ah you. You wir the dirty cunt that …

Ah mean, how the fuck can you get us mixed up? Yes, we both live in Leith, and are similar ages. Granted, our given name is Lloyd … indeed an uncommon name for Leith. Okay, myself and the other Lloyd both have the first initial B in our surnames. Oh, I suppose there is one other area of similarity, your honour; okay, it’s time to come clean: we both shagged our sisters. What can I say? Keep it in the family. No waste of time with long chat-up lines and Bacardis. Just, hi sis, awright? Up for a shag? Eh? Aye? Sound. Well, in my case it was some other cunt’s sister. Awright? Awright, ya cunts? The rock opera I’m composing about Lloyd Beattie, the other Lloyd:

In his hometown, Lloyd sits and waits

Lloyd masturbates

From his bedroom window

Lloyd looks down and out

Lloyd looks out and down

Aint nuthin out there but town.

That is fuckin shite cause it’s too personal cause it’s about me, or as ah was as a young teenager and this is supposed to be about Lloyd Beattie and ah have to try and understand the complexities which led Lloyd Beattie into this incestuous affair with his sister cause these things dinnae just fuckin happen, no just like that, but hud oan the now … if Lloyd B. Numero Uno whom ah must call The Non-Wee-Sister-Shagging Lloyd, i.e.: my good self, sat and wanked as a bored sexually repressed fourteen-year-old in his bedroom in Leith, what was Lloyd Numero Two doing; he who did, or was said to have, knobbed his junior femme sibling? Probably the same as Lloyd One, the same as aw Leith fourteen-year-aulds at the time. But he didnae jist wank the dirty cunt, he took it a stage further involving a wee lassie who was just twelve at the time they said, a mess for the social workers, relatively speaking …

But ah am fuck all like that freak, we share a name … that’s aw … take it easy, it’s this fuckin acid. Back through to my friends to say proper bye-byes before ah finally, for good, once and for all, head for the deli.

– Ah never shagged my wee sister, ah tell them back in the front room.

– You’ve no got a wee sister tae shag, Stevo says, – if you did you probably would have though.