Why the fuck does it hurt so much when I knew this was something that was supposed to happen?

My hands shake as I grab the envelope and let its contents drop onto the desk. But instead of the stapled bundle, three folded pages fall down.

What the hell is this?

I grab the one closest to me and start reading.

Dear Lukas,

This is the third letter, in case you’re not reading them chronologically. But if you’ve read the first one, I apologize. I was angry. I think I still am.

You…just walked away.

You’re the last person in my life I ever thought would leave me without giving a reason.

It hurts, especially not knowing what I did wrong. We weren’t those people who sulked in silence. We talked even when other things in life weren’t going as we’d hoped. We talked when we were sick, or sad, or happy. We talked even when we were busy or unavailable. We talked because we needed no one else. We were enough.

And now when I need you the most, you’ve made yourself inaccessible to me. But I’m not letting you go.

I read our emails starting from the first one. It was like looking at old photographs. As I read the words I’d typed years ago on the screen, I could remember all the events happening around me. All the inn’s weddings I’d described to you, all the gifts I’d received on my birthdays, my bad grades, first sip of wine, first time sneaking out…

It was all there.

You were always there.

I remembered how I took pictures of the baby seals in a zoo to tease you. I remembered how I convinced Chiara to make a New Year’s resolution with me to run every morning for thirty minutes, just because I wanted to show you I could be a disciplined person.

(It doesn’t matter that we lasted only four days.)

What I’m trying to say is you have always been a part of my life, Lukas. And it hurts that you walked away so easily, as if we were mere acquaintances.

My feelings for you changed as I grew up. You were first someone I looked up to, then a friend, and then…you became the man I love.

I love you, Lukas.

I love you despite our age difference.

I love you despite the way we got married.

I love you despite the promise that brought two strangers together.

And I know you do too. I can’t be this wrong in understanding your feelings. I’ll fight for us, I’ll burn for you…until you come here and tell me you don’t love me.

Your wife,

Autumn

“Fuck, Autumn!” My chest pounds as I go over her words, again and again.

She loves me.

She’ll burn for me.

42. Autumn

42

AUTUMN

From: autumnthefallqueen

To: lukasspencer

Hi, Lukas,