“I saw that,” she replies with a giant smile, looking between me and Lukas.

When I place my fingers over my lips, I’m still smiling. Though tonight’s smile is different than the grin that stayed on my face the whole evening that day.

I open the album on my phone and go from one image to the other, until my breath hitches.

It’s a video from the day Lukas took me for a bike ride.

I press the play button, and the sounds of falling raindrops greet me before I hear his voice.

“What are you doing?”

I tell him how I listen to nature sounds and all the reasons why I struggle with sleep sometimes.

“You’re an amazing person, Autumn. You have the gift of keeping others’ happiness above your own. Not many can do that. But if I know anything about love, it’s that it shouldn’t be a burden or a duty. It shouldn’t tie you to a place where you don’t want to be. It should liberate you instead. You should thrive, not suffocate in love.”

“Next time you feel too burdened with the pressure of others’ wishes, you should speak up. Speak up for what you want and what you desire.”

Tears race down my cheeks as I hear his words. I bury my face into the pillow.

“I only ever desired you, Lukas.” I speak at the same time my voice comes from the phone speaker. “In this moment, I desire you.”

I turn off the video because I can’t take it anymore. While I go into a sobbing fit, Lukas’ words resonate in my brain.

I need to tell him what I want, what I desire.

I open the nightstand, and there’s the page from last night that I tucked in here earlier during the day. I leave it there and grab the letterhead and pen and start writing.

My words bleed onto the page, but my heart doesn’t hurt, and the paper doesn’t get wet with tears like last night.

I feel liberated as I put my feelings into words.

When I finally put the letterhead back into the drawer, I know what I want, and this time I’m going to speak up.

37. Autumn

37

AUTUMN

“I can’t believe we’re going to meet Dreamcatcher.” Chiara refreshes her lipstick one more time.

Before leaving for the airport, Gavin mentioned that we shouldn’t do the introductions at the front door, as it would just bring unwanted attention. So now Chiara and I are bursting with nervous energy as we wait in my office for Minnie.