When I started in the Navy, my buddies thought I was scared of nothing because I was the first to volunteer for every mission, especially the risky ones.

They didn’t know I just wanted to stop being a man who was fucking pissed at life. A man who wanted to prove to the universe and himself why he deserves to live, when his mother didn’t.

From: autumnthefallqueen

To: lukasspencer

Are you okay?

From: lukasspencer

To: autumnthefallqueen

No, but I will be. Don’t worry about me, Autumn.

Sleep tight and I’ll talk to you in a few days. I promise to not be this sappy.

I knew Autumn wouldn’t probe further. She wasn’t someone who fought back. As far as I know, her sneaking out at night for the concert at the age of sixteen was the first and last time she went against her family’s wishes. Her immediate reply proved me right.

From: autumnthefallqueen

To: lukasspencer

Okay. But don’t forget I’m here for you.

I jolt out of sleep, sweaty and clammy. I don’t look at Autumn sleeping next to me until I’m out of bed and dressed. After putting on my leather jacket and shoes, I glance at her peaceful, sleepy frame and stride out of the room.

I ride my bike for a few hours until I reach the town where my grandparents used to live. I go straight to the florist. The old lady who owns the shop smiles. She never speaks much, as if she knows somehow that I’m not here to talk. As always, she wraps three bouquets with green paper.

Two pink carnations, the symbol of gratitude. One orchid because that was my mom’s favorite flower.

I pay her for the flowers and put a fifty in the tip jar.

When I reach the cemetery, I first go to my grandparents’ graves. I thank them for what they’ve done for me, and then I go to Mom’s.

Martha Spencer.

Loving Daughter. Fierce Mother.

I place the flowers over her grave and then remove the dried leaves that have fallen over the stone.

Whenever I feel alone or confused, I come here. I don’t talk out loud like some people do; I sit in silence. I know she can sense what I’m feeling, like she used to when I was a kid.

Usually, I let my thoughts run wild, swinging to extremes until I get some clarity. I always believe that it’s her giving me the right solution.

But today, I’m not here for an answer, I’m here because I want her to give me courage and strength to do the right thing.

I want to follow the path she showed me years ago.

I want to do everything in this life for Autumn’s happiness, even if the return means a lonely life for me filled with sorrow.

34. Autumn

34

AUTUMN