High above the clouds, the world looks surreal. Peaceful. Beautiful.

My heart raced when the plane took off from Green Bay. I spent the short flight to Chicago mesmerized by how blue Lake Michigan was and tried to spot certain landmarks in Milwaukee, but we were too high up for me to recognize my life from the past.

Now, as we get closer to Tampa, the feeling of wonder evaporates as I realize that with every passing second, I’m going farther and farther away from home.

I close my eyes now and lean back in my seat, letting the sun’s warmth comfort me.

“Are you feeling okay?” Paula asks as she reaches for the sick bag.

“Amanda?” Craig says from the aisle seat. “I’m sorry, Ally. Ally,” he repeats before he lets out a laugh. “There’s a lot to get used to.”

No shit, Sherlock.

“Are you okay?” Paula asks. Both she and Craig are studying me.

“Yeah,” I reply. “I was wondering …”

“What do you need, honey?” Paula asks.

I’ve been forced to submit to Paula’s demands so far, but there’s one thing that I want—no, I need—so I don’t completely come undone.

“I don’t want to make waves, but I would really like you to call me Ally. It’s what I’m used to.”

She grimaces. “I understand, sweetheart, Ally. But Amanda is my mother’s name. It’s a family name. My mother, your grandmother, can’t wait to see you again. All the family is just bursting with excitement.”

“We couldn’t keep them away if we tried,” Craig says. “Believe me, I’m someone who has tried.” He snorts as he playfully jabs Paula in the ribs.

“I’m excited to meet them,” I say as Paula grimaces. “See them again,” I correct myself, even though I have no recollection of my grandmother or anybody I’ve seen in the new album of photos Paula showed me during the first part of this flight.

I spent extra time looking at my baby book. It hurt to see pictures of Paula, Dad, and baby me as one happy family. There were countless photos of people holding me. Complete strangers.

“I know I’m named after your mother, which is great, but Ally is what I respond to. Plus, the media knows me as Amanda. All I want is to live a normal life, if that’s even possible anymore. I don’t want any special attention. If I go by Amanda Linsley, everybody will know who I am.”

“Amanda McMullen,” Craig corrects me.

Oh, right. They want me to take Craig’s name since he, Paula, and my half sister, Sarah, all have the same last name. The word “adoption” has been thrown out, but I don’t have the capacity to even comprehend that. So like with everything else, I bury it deep inside.