It’s not like I prefer to write by hand, but my old laptop weighs a ton and I don’t want to lug it around school. I rub my initials. But AS isn’t me. It never was me.

“Thank you,” I manage to barely croak out.

I stare down at the notebook. Not sure what to say. It’s such a sweet and thoughtful gesture, 100 percent Neil, but it’s for Allison Smith.

Neil fills the silence. “I don’t know if you want to talk about it … Or we can talk about something else?”

“Something else,” I reply, even though every time I try to focus on anything it brings me back to here. But then my mind goes to the one moment of peace I’d had in the past twenty-four hours. “Hey, Neil, do you remember when we went to Green Bay and you got that woman to make me a turtle sundae?”

He appears taken aback by my abrupt change of subject. “Yeah, of course.”

“I thought about that the other day. Actually, it was last night.” I can’t believe something that seemed so long ago was yesterday. “And it was the only time I wasn’t miserable about what was happening. It was a good memory. It made me smile.” I’m startled by a lone tear traveling down my cheek. I had thought I’d used up all my tears at home. I wipe it away, embarrassed that a memory of an ice cream sundae can unravel me.

He puts his arm around me. I feel his breath on my neck. Neil has always been by my side. Always close to me, but never this close. It’s comforting.

I lean into him. He brushes back a strand of hair that has fallen in front of my face. I turn to say something to him, but before I can get the words out, his lips are on mine.

I make a noise of surprise as his hand reaches up to cup my chin.

Neil van Horne is kissing me.

It’s nice. Really nice. But …

I pull away.

“Sorry!” he says, slightly out of breath. “Sorry.”

“My life is falling apart so now you decide to finally kiss me?”

“Sorry!” He gets up from the table. “I’m sorry. You looked so sad, and I wanted to comfort you.”

I stare at him dumbfounded. I mean, yeah, it did comfort me a little, but still.

“You know, I never said I had great timing.” He gives me his embarrassed crooked smile.

A laugh escapes my throat. I almost forgot what it was like to laugh.

Neil begins to pace in front of the table. “I’m sorry. I know that was stupid. Oh God, I’m an idiot. I’ve been so worried, and I wanted to do something for you, and I wasn’t sure what I could do. Clearly, I screwed up. Don’t hate me.”