“This is great,” I say, because it is a really nice room. It’s just another thing I’m accepting: this is my new room. “I don’t need anything.” Plus, I don’t have enough clothes to fill half the drawers, let alone the walk-in closet.

“Well, we can go down to the party whenever you’re ready,” Paula says.

I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for what waits for me downstairs.

I guess there’s no point stalling. It would also be nice to get away from the hateful glare Sarah is currently giving me.

“I’m ready,” I lie.

We walk downstairs. Sarah breaks off from the group and opens the door to the patio. Noise that was floating from a bunch of different conversations stops as everybody turns around. I freeze.

“Here she is!” Paula says with a beam. “Our baby has returned home.”

A round of cheers erupts, and I’m enveloped in a flurry of hugs, introductions, and a few tears.

This is my family, I keep reminding myself.

This isn’t real life, my head screams back.

But I stuff that thought into the recesses of my mind. I allow a numbness to come over me. I try to play the part, as if I’ve been beamed into someone else’s life and I’m supposed to simply go along. So I smile and say hello. The new faces are never-ending. I’m inundated with questions. I answer how I’m doing a bunch of times—fine, thank you—and decline the plates of food that keep appearing in front of me.

Paula stays by my side and keeps telling me how I know everybody. All these faces and names that I’m trying to keep straight offer their claim to me: this one was my first babysitter, that one would give me piggyback rides. I try to hold on to the stories, but they float out of my grasp a moment later.

It’s like there is a black hole in my memories. I wish I could have one moment, even a flash of recognition. How could being around all these family members not click something in my brain?

“Are you sure I can’t get you anything to eat?” Paula asks.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Maybe later, when the house is quiet and I’m …

What?

What exactly do I think is going to happen when it’s just Paula, Craig, Sarah, and me? Do I really believe that it’s possible to wake up one day and feel as if everything has righted in my life? Do I even want that? What would that say about everybody back home, my real home?