‘But it’d never have happened if I hadn’t been stupid and drunk in the first place; I wouldn’t have worried her and she wouldn’t have needed to see me.’

‘And if I hadn’t have had a couple of beers, I would have been the one driving. Or if we’d left ten minutes earlier or were driving on a different part of the road, then we might not have aquaplaned. Believe me, Edie, I did exactly the same blame game for years, always thinking “what if”, wishing it had been me in the driver’s seat rather than Jan. But if there’s one thing I learnt while getting sober it’s that as much as you want to, you can’t change the past, and you instead need to move on with your life.’

Julie calls up the stairs that my dinner’s ready.

‘I don’t want you to blame yourself for what’s happened – this is all me and me alone.’

I nod, trying to take it all in. I give him a big hug before walking out.

‘And don’t forget if there’s any spare food going you don’t want …’

I turn back, leaning on the doorway.

‘I’m sure Julie’s got some more lentils you could have.’

He gives me a hard stare and unmutes his telly and I head downstairs.

I know he’s right, that I can’t change the past and I know it’s time to accept that and move on, but I can’t help thinking that’s easier said than done.

Chapter 32

When Thursday rolls around, I’m completely exhausted and all I want to do is go home, have a long hot soak in the bath and go to bed, but I can’t because it’s Big Little Readers and I wouldn’t want to let anyone at the charity down, especially Lola.

Claudia is taking Arnold’s place today as he’s staying down in Cornwall with his daughter.

‘How’s the new term going?’ I ask, climbing into the passenger seat of her car.

‘Hectic, but glad to be back. I know I won’t be saying that by half term, but there’s always something special about that new-term feeling you get. Everything feels fresh and exciting, and anything seems possible.’

‘Sounds amazing.’

I don’t mean to sound quite so wistful, but I can’t help but feel a little jealous.