‘Right,’ I say, nodding. ‘I guess I just assumed you would after hearing how fondly you talk about your nieces and nephews; how much you enjoy spending time with them.’

‘Yeah, because I like them. I’m not a monster. But I can give those kids back, can’t I? It’s not the same as having your own.’

My head is spinning. Whenever I’ve thought of whether I’d want children it’s always my mum that I think of. The pain of losing her plays heavy on my heart and I’m terrified at the thought that I could lose someone I love again, or that they might lose me. And that’s before I take into consideration that Mum wouldn’t be there to help me. My other friends with kids rely so heavily on theirs for advice and support, and I wonder if I’d always think there was something missing. They’re the kind of thoughts that have scared me but I’ve never thought they’d stop me from having kids when the time was right.

‘Look, this doesn’t need to change anything between us, does it? I mean, it’s still early days for us. We’re having fun. And, as Renata said, you’ve still got a long time before any biological clock starts ticking.’

I don’t point out to him that now I’m over thirty-five, I’d be considered a geriatric mum.

‘I love the fact that we’re uncomplicated and we’re just seeing where things go. I’d hate for this to ruin anything.’

He puts his hand on my thigh and gives it a squeeze.

‘I’m sorry if I upset you. Now, do you want me to get you another drink? Something alcoholic this time?’ he says, like he’s making a funny joke but it’s a little too soon.

‘I’ve still got this one,’ I say, holding it up.

He leans over and gives me a quick kiss, one that’s slow and slightly lingering.

‘We’re OK, right?’

‘Uh-huh,’ I say as he goes.

I’m left sitting on the wall, wondering what this means for us. It’s really highlighted how little we really know each other, and it makes me wonder how many conversations I’ve avoided having with him that perhaps I should have had. All these emails from the past have made me think more of my relationship with Scott and I can’t help but think I’m making the same mistake with Miles. If there was one thing that I learnt from that relationship, it’s that maybe I should learn to trust my gut and start speaking up when something doesn’t feel right.

Chapter 17

THEN