I spent my days with my head down, wanting to crawl out of my skin, and my nights riding my bike, walking and eventually running in the dark, alone. In the light of day, I couldn’t look people in the eye for fear of the disgust I’d see. At night, I could walk with my head up. My neck straight and spine tall. I worked my lungs until they felt ready to burst. All the screaming I held in at school or around my mom, I exhaled over and over until I was near collapse.

My body got stronger. Tall, powerful, and able to endure so much. Eventually, my mom figured out I was leaving. For my fourteenth birthday, she bought me a cell phone and a safety light. The following Christmas, snow cleats and cross-country skis. More recently, reflective leggings and wireless earbuds. A silent code between us. As much of a blessing and apology as she could give me.

The dirty looks are fewer since I graduated, and most people have forgotten about the things that happened when I was too young to know better, but I still prefer running at night. Old habits die hard.

Emily kept me out late tonight anyway. And by kept me out, I mean, she drove us, and I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I’d sort of thought we were headed out for alone time, but Em’s college roommate was in town, and they wanted to go to a house party on Front Street. I don’t drink, don’t like hip-hop, and don’t frequent gross college rentals, so it wasn’t my scene. I don’t even know why I agreed to go. Bored, I guess. I told myself after the last time, when things went a little too far with her, I was done with it. I’m not opposed to sex, but I am opposed to so much as kissing a girl in the back of her car while her phone lights up with texts from guys she’d rather be with instead.

Anyway, not a great night. I’d planned to stick it out, but some guy noticed me not drinking, and when he heard my name, he said, “Wait. Allen? You aren’t that pastor’s kid, are you? Fuck, man … that was some shady shit.”

I walked home, changed into my running gear, and left for the lakefront. Now I’m sprinting, my heart throbbing in time with the loud music in my ears. I go until the playlist runs out, and then I go some more. I circle around my toughest route in reverse, so I hit all the uphills tonight. My calves are burning, and my arms feel like lead when I finally allow myself to walk it off.