If kissing Micah is a sin, why did God invent kissing? Why did he create this desire in me to want to kiss him? Why did he create this boy who understood me so easily and has Popeye forearms, which is something I never knew I’d like but apparently really, really do?

So, yeah, I’m a ball of nervous energy crossed with raging hormones. Not really the image you want to project walking into your long-lost uncle’s church for the first time. But here I am.

The honest truth is I couldn’t say no. Saying no would be a giant, flashing arrow pointing to my face with the words CONFLICTED AND ALSO FEELING GUILTY ABOUT FEELING CONFLICTED.

And I don’t want to talk about it. In comparison, sweating through a single church service is easier.

Typically, James is on the worship team. He’s usually early to prepare and late to stay because of multiple services. He found a replacement this weekend so he could introduce me around. I can tell right away that James is loved and respected at this church. He’s comfortable here. Betty arrives with a kiss to my cheek, and I make room for her next to me. That helps. She helps. Being near her feels like acceptance. Honestly, everyone seems kind and genuine, but I don’t have time to formulate much of an opinion. Within minutes of sitting down in a comfy beige chair, front and center, the music kicks to a start, and I’m lost in the worship.

Because even when I’m not sure about me and my place in it all, I am certain about this. Right here. Music has always been very personal for me. Something between me and my Creator. My offering. My heart. Where nothing can get between me and my God. Not even the church.

I close my eyes and open my hands, faceup, at my sides. Remarkably, I’m ready for this part. Starving for it. I shut out the world only to take in the universe. The simple opening piano chords are familiar to me. My skin tingles in anticipation like little live wires dancing across my surface. A chemistry found only in the divine. How do I know God is real? Because of this.

Peace settles in my bones, grounding me to the earth. Love paintis me top to bottom in grace. Joy overwhelms my doubts. I don’t know how else to explain it but R-E-A-L. So very real.

My voice pours out, but I don’t even hear it. Lost in a sea of voices, we’re together in this moment. Our purpose is singular and unified. If you’re using all your voice to worship, there’s no breath left for anything else. Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt so in love with this part.