In the end, I decide on an everything bagel with cream cheese and chives at this little café on the corner, and while it’s not skydiving or smoking drugs, it feels like a Big Step for me. I order a hot cocoa to go, even though it’s a hundred degrees out, and take a walk on the beach. There’s a large park on the shore called Lower Harbor, and I perch on a picnic table there, eating my breakfast-for-dinner and watching the sailboats on Lake Superior. A couple of college guys are throwing a Frisbee around, and while I don’t ask to play, I do retrieve a rogue disk once and ask to pet their dog.

And I somehow manage to keep my purity intact. Will wonders never cease?

I sigh, leaning back on my hands, letting the breeze off the lake lift and toss my hair.

That was unfair of me, God. I don’t blame my mom for having premarital sex or for having me. I don’t. But even as I think it, a burst of anger flares hot. Because I am mad at her for projecting her life on me. I’m not saying I want to have sex before I’m married. But she clearly did and didn’t die over it. Though she got pregnant and my dad did die, but I don’t think that’s related. Probably. My goodness, I might need to add therapy into my gap year plans.

I think of Vada and her Luke and feel a tiny pang in the region of my heart. Maybe I haven’t met the right person, but when I do, I hope it’s something like what they have. I’d give anything to have a guy look at me with half the adoration Luke has for Vada.

I tug my phone out of my pocket and unlock it to reveal a message Vada sent me earlier, after letting me know she made it home okay.

VADA: You lent me this song when I was spiraling. Now I’m passing it back to you. I love you, friend, and I’m so fucking proud of you.

VADA: YouTube Lauren Daigle “Rescue”

I dig around in my bag for my earbuds and a hair tie. After pulling my hair back, I tuck my buds in and hit Play. I’d forgotten about this song. It’s weird Vada is sending this to me. Not the song part … that’s her whole thing. It’s what she does. But this particular song. When I sang it, all those months ago at youth group, I felt like I had it together. I sang it for her because she needed it. She was hurting after yet another insane brush-off from her selfish, alcoholic dad, Marcus, and this song was all I had to give her. Now, I’m the one who’s a mess.