So, it’s my final night of youth group. That part was planned. It was always going to be my last time there. Only the circumstances have changed. The theater where we hold our weekly worship gatherings is dark except for the stage lights, warm and glowing around my bandmates and me. I’ll miss this. Singing with them and leading kids in praise music is such an honor. It’s been years since I’ve performed my skating programs, and this isn’t the same, but it’s gratifying in its own way. I’m not a professional singer, but I’m not half-bad when backed up by Jesus and my dear friend Ben’s gorgeous violin.

I move to the mic, my ever-present fairy wings fluttering comfortingly around my shoulders. I chose my simple white-as-snow feather wings today. They were the first pair I ever received, years ago, from my dad. I was little then—still am, I suppose, judging by the way they fit. I was so tiny, he used to call me his sprite, and we would dance around the living room to his old My Chemical Romance albums.

My dad.

I shake off the memory, conjuring a beaming smile to my lips, praying the bright lights conceal the fact that it’s fake.

“We have one more song tonight. I picked it special to share with you because I want you all to take care and take this to heart. And remember, Jesus and Meg Hennessey will always love you.” I blow a quick kiss, spread my arms, and close my eyes, concentrating on the brush of softness at my shoulders. I press the hurt down and suck in a deep breath to soothe the ache. I’m singing “Beautiful, Beautiful” by Francesca Battistelli. It’s joyful and painful at once. A girl crying out to her God, something I’m not sure I’m ready to do. It’s not in me to dwell, so instead, I give the lyrics my best, impressing as much meaning and care into them as possible. In the song’s final moments, I open my eyes, allowing them to adjust. I take the time to reach out with my gaze to the kids in front of me, and I will my love and prayers into them. That they might experience the consuming comfort of God’s grace. May they never feel alone. May they never feel betrayed.

May they never feel like this.