That night, I tried to patch the hole I saw growing in their hearts. I quoted the truth that “God is love” and the greatest commandment is love, and that no matter what you’ve done in your life, it doesn’t matter, because God is grace and mercy and he still wants you even if you’re messy.

I don’t know if a single one heard my voice over the rushing accusations in their ears, but I pray they did.

I got into the car that night with my husband (who led the boys’ group and was like, You talked about what? We just prayed and listened to Relient K) and cried. I was so angry, I cried. I felt helpless and hopeless and utterly defeated because like it or not, fear is a powerful motivator, and those girls were so afraid of themselves and their bodies and their decisions and that was … ugh. My stomach churns even now. I’m crying even now.

I think that’s the night I stopped caring about hurting the church’s feelings.

I went home and I looked at my piles and piles of Christian fiction scattered around our spare room, and I was angry. Yeah, sure, it’s inspirational when a character in the 1870s can keep her faith and fight temptation because everything about her society and culture (of no one, because she’s alone on the frontier) supports that.

But what about someone in 2008 (or 2021, for that matter)? How does someone keep their faith when they are told that literally everything they do is an abomination to God? Cuss when you spill your soda while driving? Sin. Check out a guy when you’re swimming? Sin. Check out a guy when you’re a guy? Sin. Sip a beer at a party? Sin. And all those sins? Straight to hell. There’s no middle ground. No grace. No Jesus in that narrative.

Who can live like that? Who wants that kind of belief system in their life?

I’m not a great public speaker, but I can write. And I decided I was going to write alternative Christian fiction. Of course, I’d never written a book before in my life, and writing books is hard, but I was determined to create an option C. Not quite secular but definitely not inspirational (at least in that way).

It took me a long time to finish something, and then I started querying my book to every Christian agency or publisher I could think of. I was met with immediate resistance. Granted, my early efforts were not great, but Christian agents would jump on my queries and almost immediately reject when they read the full, citing “not a good fit.” I knew what they meant. They didn’t care for my less-than-pious characters. (If you ever want to feel bad about yourself, pull up a Christian publisher and check out their submission guidelines. Mother Teresa would be rejected.)