Things have been strained at James’s. I came in late on Thanksgiving to him and Dani cuddling on the couch and had to physically restrain Vada before she could make any rude comments. She doesn’t understand it, but I don’t blame James. Not really. He’s been put in a terrible position, and he’s just doing his best.

And no matter what my best friend thinks, I can’t begrudge James and Dani their happiness together. Even if it feels the tiniest bit like a double standard.

The Friday after Thanksgiving, Vada and I took Betty Christmas shopping in downtown Marquette. I could tell my great-grandmother wanted to address the elephant in the room, but I wouldn’t hear of it. I won’t have her feeling like she needs to intercede between her grandson and her great-granddaughter. Instead, we ate too many cinnamon sugar doughnuts from the bakery, and I buzzed around the small shops, buying every person I know UP-themed presents. People at home are plenty proud of their state and its Great Lakes status, but Yoopers take it to a whole other level, and I am here for it.

Vada left early Sunday morning, and I missed church to drop her off. It’s not like I’ve been attending church regularly since I’ve been here, but this is the first time it felt like I was avoiding it. And James. And Micah’s family. And my youth group girls.

I’ve been at the rink or in the café every day since, biding my time and, yeah, okay, licking my wounds. I don’t think James was wrong in speaking with me, but I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it. My gut reaction was to be chastised. Convicted. Someone from the church, which has always been a trusted authority figure in my life, brought sinful behavior to my attention.

What follows, biblically, is my acceptance and repentance. And in some circles, my (public) reconciliation. I don’t know how that works here. James’s church is new to me, and he is my uncle. There was a girl in my old youth group. She was a few years older than me and a leader of sorts. She ended up accidentally getting pregnant by her longtime boyfriend, who wasn’t a believer, and was asked to give our entire youth group a public apology for her actions.

It felt very … icky. Even at fourteen, I knew it wasn’t okay. Like, that young woman was alone and pregnant and about to be a mom as a teenager, and the church was ostracizing her from the only support group she had.

What shit.

But still, that’s the way it’s always been.

On the other hand, what exactly am I supposed to be reconciling here?