My first day in Marquette, I’m standing in front of Lake Superior, the coastal wind lifting and swirling around me. My magenta-striped black hair whips against my face, and I let it. Vada left an hour ago after a nice long nap in the hotel room I booked for the week. On my parents’ dime. A week is all they think I’ll need. I’m not so sure, but I’m happy to save my own money until I figure it out.

You might be thinking, Wow, Meg, you really don’t understand how to properly run away. First, you tell your mom you’re leaving, and the next thing you know, she’s footing the bill for your trip? To which I might reply, “This is better than sleeping in Vada’s car, all right?”

Anyway, I’ll concede the time limit is my fault. I’ve been complacent and pleasant about everything they’ve thrown my way for my entire life. Why would that change now?

One might argue, now is exactly the time to change. Except I don’t have any desire to talk to them and find out if my dad’s moved out already or if my mom is still sad. So, here I am. Sort of running away.

I tuck a strand of black and pink behind my ear and fill my lungs with fresh air. The white-sand shore is filled with families and college students enjoying the sun and mild summer temps. I let my gaze fall on them from behind the safety of my sunglasses and try not to cry.

I’ve never felt more alone. I know my best friend just left, but it’s more than that. It’s all-encompassing. I mean, this is what I wanted. Before the revelations of the past few days, I wanted to take some time to be alone. To find myself and learn who I am outside of my parents and my church and even Vada … but I can be honest with myself and admit I barely know where to begin.

I certainly didn’t plan to start like this. What a freaking mess. I thought I’d be doing a soul-search, not a self-search. I’d planned on having the benefit of knowing where I stood while I figured out what my future held … love- and career- and dreams-wise. A gap year to decide on a direction before starting college. But, as of two days ago, my past is as much a black hole as what lies ahead.

I mentally walk back to where my life split. I had planned to leave next week. I was going to road trip out with Vada and Luke … start in California at the Bible camp. It sounded epic to me and safe to my mom. Christian. Conservative. Modest.

Her three favorite things.