I begin to walk to One PP. I’m not certain why I don’t jump into a cab. It’s still below freezing, last night’s cold front not having moved on yet, and my destination is more than half an hour away by foot. After a block or two, I embrace the frigid air instead of letting it cause me discomfort.

It’s begun to numb my face, and I want to feel numb all over.

When I finally arrive indoors, Steve Lassiter, the officer who more often than not mans the front desk, smiles at me. “Hey, Ella. Nice to see you again. Here to see Gabriel?”

He must not have heard the news.

“Yes” is all I trust myself to say.

“Sign in, and then go right on up.”

I can’t go “right on up,” of course. There’s a metal detector that requires me to remove my coat, my shoes, and my belt, and to place my phone and handbag on the conveyor belt. Even after I do all of that, I still set off the machine. A female police officer is tasked with passing the wand over me and then gently patting me down. Only after she’s satisfied that I’m not a threat does she hand me a visitor’s pass and tell me to have a lovely day.

On the sixth floor, I’m greeted by Ruth, the receptionist. I tell her I’m here to see Gabriel. She’s not one for small talk—or smiling, for that matter. She tells me to have a seat.

“Is he in?” I ask.

“He’s in the building,” Ruth says curtly.

Although I’ve visited Gabriel at work a few times since we started dating, it’s usually a prearranged lunch meet-up, and he greets me at the elevators. This is the first time I’ve been relegated to the unpadded wooden chairs set out in the hallway since I was a near-daily visitor six months ago, when Charlotte went missing.

I had been determined to hold it together. But being back here, once again to hear Gabriel tell me about a loved one being murdered, is too much for me to bear. I can’t believe that I’m never going to speak to Lauren again. I go back through our talks, how much I’ve learned from her, how much I tried to be like her. It’s all too much, and I once again break out into uncontrollable sobbing.