his big boots thumping

he’s off through the house like an animal down the chute

his rough hands swinging his eyes dark as a cold night

and into the front room where flies were buzzing

the baby’s nappy full of shit

a crust of snot under his nose

belly-up on the carpet his arms flung out like he was waiting for the nails

he’s good I said he’s good I shouted from the kitchen chair

Christ there’s me as well you know

in this coffin of a house you nail it shut every morning you go out the door

then Lenny come back into the kitchen holding the baby

liar I said liar

you said you loved me

I’m still here I said

don’t you dare lay a hand on me

/

there were other nights I don’t remember how many

the baby crying and Lenny as quiet as a stone standing in front of me

his face tired and pale and his tired hands around my hands

Christie he’d say Christie

and then he didn’t know what to say

and I didn’t know what he was asking or what he wanted

and I could feel the drink coming up in my throat

and the stink on my lips

and I wanted to howl but nothing would come out

nothing

/

then one night I woke up and the bed was empty beside me

and the baby was just a round hollow in the pillow where his head had been lying

Five

FIVE

CHRISTIE on a park bench

Birds’ wings

Shadows

Wet earth

my mother told me she told me so

the old hag gnawed her gums her breasts flat as plates under her cardigan

I told you she said I told you you’d never be a good mother

like you weren’t I said

she slapped me with her flatiron of a hand and my nose bled

/

she was sitting in her rented room at the back of a cobbler’s

the cobbler pounding nails the other side of the wall

the place stank of shoe polish and glue

and her rotting towards seventy

/

what did you come here for she said

I can’t do anything I can’t change anything

I don’t want anything changed I said

I want everything like it was

she said nothing just stared at me

and she had cockroaches for eyes

I’m going mad I said

don’t make me laugh she said

and the cockroaches were crawling down her cheeks

you were mad when you married that man

and the cockroaches were sitting on her lips

I told you he was no good she said

and the holes where her eyes had been had been stitched shut with black thread

don’t look at me like that she said

and cockroaches swarmed in her mouth

I’m going mad I said

Mama please