it was a sound so small but it tore right through me

maybe only a mother can hear that sound

or maybe only love knows that sound

only love can sound like that

love when it’s forgotten or love when it’s found

or love like a hungry bird squawking

he was my hungry little bird

and I pecked him with my fingers like I used to to make him laugh

but he didn’t laugh

there were tears falling from his eyes like little stones

and then I thought I heard Lenny’s boots coming down the passage

his shoulders knocking on the walls either side

how many times have I told you Christie

his sister right behind him with her Bible voice and her eyes out on stalks

I squeezed Beau close to me

I wanted him to be quiet

I wanted him to be like he was when he was inside me

I wanted him to be as quiet as that

and not know how cruel the world can be

why should he know that

/

but no-one came down the passage

not Lenny or his sister or no-one

it was just me and Beau and with the light still turned on

and I fell asleep with Beau wrapped in my arms

/

he didn’t make a sound the whole night

he didn’t move

Nine

NINE

CHRISTIE with a bunch of wildflowers

Frost

Trembling hands

Stars

he only ever had one candle

one candle shaking when he breathed on it

I saw how his eyes opened wide

I could see the candle shaking in his eyes

/

do you know what you’ve done they said

/

I reached for the light switch in the dark I said

I saw him lying there with his eyes wide open

he’d been lying in the dark like that for God knows how long

he didn’t know who I was I said

/

he wasn’t here long

not long enough to speak

if only I could have heard him speak

all the words are lost

all I never got to have and all I never gave him

what would I give him

not tears not curses

I’d light two candles for him then three and every year one more

until we could switch off the light and still see our faces

his and mine with another year between us

and no time wasted falling down drunk

and me a good mother and him a good son

/

yes that night when Lenny come home he smelt the drink on my lips

he said what’s that he knew what that was

how many times do I have to tell you he said

it wasn’t the first time or the last

there weren’t any last times then

/

I stood in the doorway and I saw him looking at me

and I wondered how long he had been lying in the dark like that