she never said nothing about herself and I never asked

I just told her that I thought she was a good woman

I don’t know what that is she said

but I know you’ve got to survive no matter what

and I don’t know whether that makes you good or bad

/

I wanted to ask if she thought I was good or bad

but I didn’t dare

Six

SIX

CHRISTIE inside a derelict house

Cold rooms

Rats scratching

Stains

when Lenny stopped paying the rent on the house I went round to his sister’s place to see him and he wouldn’t even let me inside

so I stood there on the front step like a fucking beggar

and he told me that I could move in with him and his sister

there was a sleepout I could have

he wasn’t paying for a place where he didn’t live

and I said aren’t you coming back

but he didn’t answer

you’d be close to the baby was all he said

and so you and your sister can keep eye on me I said

I’m thinking about you and the baby he said

oh yeah I said

I might as well be a corpse as in that sleepout I said

what kind of life would I have living like that out the back

with eyes on me day and night

what kind of a life have you got now he said

my own life I said

I want what’s best he said

best for who I said not for me I said

for the baby for the baby he said

pig’s arse I said

he should be with me I said

he should be with his mother

Christie he said

Christie have you looked at yourself lately

every morning when I have a wash I said

I see myself staring back

I see that baby’s mother

I see empty arms where a baby should be

I see hands with nothing to do

I see a mouth that hasn’t been kissed

I’m dried out with crying I said

I’m heavy inside like someone’s cut me open and stitched a lead weight inside me

like someone’s taken a stick to me

look in my eyes Lenny

look in my eyes and tell me what you see

/

he didn’t say nothing for a while

he wouldn’t look at me

you can move into the sleepout any time you want he said

what if I don’t want to I said

then I don’t know what you’ll do he said

and that was the end of it

he turned away shut the door

/

I went home and looked at myself

I wanted to see what Lenny had seen

something had made him turn away from me

but how can you turn away from yourself