I imagined the sky and the sunshine on our wings and the grubs I’d feed Beau

and I’d peck at him with my fingers peck peck

I’d hold him high in the air over my head

and he’d look down at me and he was flying

and he wasn’t afraid

he was a bird as much as the bird just outside the window or in the tree in the front yard or in the sky over the house

and I’d forget about the damp in the passage and the paint peeling in the kitchen

and the cupboards empty most days and the hole in my one pair of stockings

and the stink of the sewer from the drain out the back

and the drink I kept hidden in the laundry under the trough

I didn’t need a drink or the sorrow and the tears that came with it

nor the ache in my guts after

and I’d forget Lenny in the kitchen doorway when he came home from work

his face black with the heaviness of the day

and me less than he wanted me to be

and him less than himself

/

they were beautiful days

/

I come in here to bless myself with the holy water

and to have a bit of a wash if no-one’s watching

the water’s so cold

you think they’d warm it when they pour it over a baby’s head

but they don’t

no wonder the poor little buggers cry when they’re baptised

but I suppose that’s another coming into the world

your head soaked in cold water

and someone jabbering at you about God and the devil

I don’t believe in God and I’d be surprised if he believed in me

he’d be a cruel bastard if he did exist

still I like to bless myself now and then

it’s got nothing to do with God

I like to be blessed by the water

being blessed means everything’s not so bad for a moment

for a few seconds

it’s just you and the cold water

/

I saw God in a dream once

he was an eye in a black cloud

the cloud was like a giant rock in the sky

and the eye was all milky white like a soft boiled egg

and he was looking looking looking

/

Lenny come home one night and the baby was crying

I was sitting at the kitchen table with my hair hanging down

and all the weight of the world on me where too much of the drink had put it

I couldn’t answer

I couldn’t hear the baby crying

I looked up at Lenny and I said he’s alright I said he’s been good today

and Lenny’s off through the house down the dark passage narrow as a gutter

his big man’s shoulders banging on the walls