cunt he said sneering at me like a mad rat

so I leaned down close to him

I looked right into his screwed-up little face and I said listen

I said you go home and tell the cunt you came out of that she’s got a cunt for a son and he didn’t say nothing after that

so I just turned and went on my way as if I didn’t have a care in the world

but my heart was racing and I could hardly walk

I felt so weak and I suppose I was afraid

not of that kid but of everything

I was suddenly afraid of everything in the world

/

so that’s how I’m treated on a regular basis

but I’ve learned how to stick up for myself

which is something I only learned very late

the rest of my life I was never able to say a good word for myself

and was never able to stop those that wanted to hurt me from hurting me

there’s some people who like nothing better than to come at you like a rabid dog

and there’s nothing you can do to protect yourself

but you have to learn to take the slings with the arrows as they say

and look after yourself as best you can

no matter how bruised and battered you might feel

which in my case is most of the time

/

I’ve not seen that little rat-face again

I think I must have put the wind right up him

I’ve walked down that street of his other times and he hasn’t shown his face

he had a sweet face really when it wasn’t screwed up with hatred

that’s what it was it was hatred

it’s a hard thing to see it in someone so young

but it’s not a surprise to me anymore

I’ve seen it more than once

I can’t account for it

I suppose there’s all kinds of reasons someone so young can be so sour inside

I wonder if my little boy would have turned out the same

but I find it hard to think that he would have

he would have been kind I’m sure of it

all he knew was kindness

but maybe that don’t matter

maybe he would have forgotten all of that

when he got out into the world and had his heart broken

most likely he would have been too weak to defend himself against all the cruelties he would have found

but he was spared all that

he was spared it like I haven’t been

I’m the one who’s got hard

and he’s stayed as soft as he was

which is a kind of blessing

for him I mean

a blessing for him

/

it’s not a blessing for me

Three

THREE

CHRISTIE in a rest home armchair

Dust

Stillness

Last words ill-heard