Lulu thinks of sitting with Bea in her kitchen, gossiping about Rich and Owen. She thinks about the hundreds of hours she’s spent poring over screenshots of digital conversations or trying to reconstruct half-remembered Flashes, close-reading much more thoroughly than she’s ever done with her English assignments. It’s hard for her to imagine a life that doesn’t include that. She wasn’t being facetious with Cass—isn’t that what girls do with each other?

But then, some of the things she wants from Cass aren’t things she wants from Bea.

It’s too much to think about the idea that Cass might want those kinds of things from Lulu too.

“Let’s talk about something else, then,” Lulu says.

Cass grins sideways at her and then leans back on her elbows, tilting her face up to the sky.

Lulu can’t help thinking about what it would feel like to be allowed to kiss the line of her throat.

The afternoon disappears too fast. Lulu’s stomach rumbles; she hasn’t eaten anything since the green smoothie Deirdre made her as a special pre-final treat this morning. Cass reaches over and taps her fingers lightly against Lulu’s side. “Hungry?”

Lulu doesn’t want to disturb the funny little world they’ve created for themselves, but she really, really is. “Yeah,” she admits.

“There’s a place across the street,” Cass says. “Ryan introduced me to one of the bartenders once. We can probably get in as long as we don’t try to order any alcohol—” But as she’s saying it she’s fumbling her phone out of her pocket.

Lulu feels the first clench of disappointment at its return, and then another, deeper pull when Cass says, “Or actually forget that. Ry’s at The Hotel if we want to head there. He won’t have food, but he will definitely have weed, and we can get takeout on the way or something.”

“Sure,” Lulu says. “Totally. Sounds good.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

LULU BEATS CASS to The Hotel. The gate is already unlocked, so she cruises through it and finds Ryan waiting for them at the building’s entrance, camera in one hand.

Standing in line at In-N-Out with Cass, it seemed reckless and bold to order a burger animal style, French fries, and a vanilla shake. Now, holding the paper bag, her fingers slippery with grease from the fries she ate while she drove, Lulu feels exposed and stupid, like she’s showing too much of her belly. Here she is, just another hungry girl.

It gets worse when Ryan nods a greeting and turns the camera on her. He doesn’t say anything, so Lulu doesn’t say anything either. Instead, she takes a defiant sip of her shake. The sugar seems to crystallize in her mouth, and her throat feels full with the slick of the milk fat.