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Back Look
Chapters (57)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. CHAPTER ONE
  5. CHAPTER TWO
  6. CHAPTER THREE
  7. CHAPTER FOUR
  8. CHAPTER FIVE
  9. CHAPTER SIX
  10. CHAPTER SEVEN
  11. CHAPTER EIGHT
  12. CHAPTER NINE
  13. CHAPTER TEN
  14. CHAPTER ELEVEN
  15. CHAPTER TWELVE
  16. CHAPTER THIRTEEN
  17. CHAPTER FOURTEEN
  18. CHAPTER FIFTEEN
  19. CHAPTER SIXTEEN
  20. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
  21. CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
  22. CHAPTER NINETEEN
  23. CHAPTER TWENTY
  24. CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
  25. CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
  26. CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
  27. CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
  28. CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
  29. CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
  30. CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
  31. CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
  32. CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
  33. CHAPTER THIRTY
  34. CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
  35. CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
  36. CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
  37. CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
  38. CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
  39. CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
  40. CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
  41. CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
  42. CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
  43. CHAPTER FORTY
  44. CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
  45. CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
  46. CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
  47. CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
  48. CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
  49. CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
  50. CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
  51. CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
  52. CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
  53. CHAPTER FIFTY
  54. CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
  55. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  56. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  57. What’s next onyour reading list?

Lulu lies in the dark and stares at the ceiling.

She’s out. Technically, she’s been out. Cass is the only person she’s ever said bisexual out loud to, but the Sloane thing happened, and she didn’t, like, deny it, or do any damage control. She knew what people assumed and she let them assume it; she let those assumptions harden into things people repeated like a fact. Which it is. It’s a true fact about her.

So she shouldn’t mind now, the idea that she’s just confirming what everyone already knows. And having a girlfriend is cool, right? Sexy, kind of. She knows that’s what her friends at school would say if she asked them. It’s 2020, Lulu. You should date whoever you want, duh. Get it, girl.

Instead she feels terrified. Liking Owen was so easy. There was nothing to explain about her sweet, handsome boyfriend. What more normal thing could a teenage girl do with herself than have a crush on a boy?

Liking Cass asks Lulu to expose something about herself that people might not guess just by looking at her. It also exposes Cass, because if this is real, Lulu has to think about how to integrate Cass into Lulu’s aestheticized, structured, constantly captured real life. And she’s not sure she wants that—that she’s ready for Cass to be public property any more than she’s ready for The Hotel to open up and become a place anyone can visit.

Does that mean she’s ashamed of her? That she’s fetishizing her? That she’s protecting her?

The questions swirl around Lulu so persistently that she can almost imagine them taking on weight in the air around her, thickening the darkness with their presence. Once again, something is happening that she doesn’t have a strategy for. She doesn’t know how to navigate it and keep herself and the person she cares about safe.

The difference is that this time she wants to let it happen anyway.

All she knows is that no matter how long she lies there driving herself crazy about what she wants, what Cass wants, what would be best for either or both of them, she stays anchored by the weight of Cass’s hand on her belly.

And she doesn’t set an alarm. She doesn’t sneak off, she doesn’t take her questions with her and disappear, even though she wants to. She falls asleep eventually. When she wakes up her cheek is pillowed on the tangle of Cass’s hair. Here they are, in bed together, she thinks. Here they are, in the light of morning.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE