9:48PM: used two strings of dental floss. spit blood. felt vengeful against everyone who doesn’t floss regularly, including myself, inflicting their bad breath on me, ‘forcing me’ into polite silence as i flossed. remembered nervously asking first boyfriend to show me his brushing method, then introducing him (carefully and mindfully of his feelings and limited hygiene experience) to concepts like ‘doing this once a day’ and ‘molars’ and ‘using enough paste to create a lather,’ saying like, ‘maybe you should press a little harder’ and experiencing a new kind of interpersonal anxiety at his ‘it feels weird, i don’t think i need to’ response. remembered another ex-boyfriend’s concerns about my hygiene and thought ‘goddamnit megan, you know how it feels, it’s not an emotional attack or critique of you, it’s practical: you don’t want to smell bad.’ felt like i was performing the humanitarian task of flossing in front of a large and interested audience who would never be the same, ‘after this.’ felt like matthew broderick at the end of ‘glory,’ when he’s about to lead denzel and the rest of the troop into a battle they’ll clearly lose and have been preparing to fight for the entire movie—but my fight is with a nonspecific audience in my memory, or who is reading this now and doesn’t care. ‘this is what happens sometimes, if you consider other people, sometimes your gums will bleed so people won’t have to think about how your mouth smells, let me show you the way my children: you will be better for this.’ i am being insane right now i am aware of being neurotic and insane.

10:14PM: mom sat in the chair closest to my desk and asked if she could do anything to help. struggled to say something like ‘could you maybe just jot some things down about me, like, as someone who likes my writing and thinks i’m…i don’t know, responsible.’ think i said ‘jot’ more than once, something about tao discovering my blog in 2008. mom said ‘so i should say i started reading you in two-thousand eight?’ i said ‘no no no, no don’t worry about the scheduling or two-thousand eight.’ she said ‘what do you mean, ‘the scheduling?” i said ‘like the events. of like. don’t worry about the events in time. i’m just having a hard time thinking of nice things to say about myself, i think it is, that’s it. could you just write a thing as if you’re someone who thinks nice things about me and like, likes my writing? what a person like that would say?’ she nodded and stood, said ‘oh honey of course.’ i touched part of her bathrobe and said ‘thank you so much mom,’ nodding fast.