fed cats, washed dishes, laid out extra food and water, packed clothes in a hurry when i got home around 5:45PM. sweat a lot while doing dishes. took off dress. removed sheets and things from bed, put comforter and pillows in closet, and stood/propped mattress upright against the ‘cat tower’ to prevent pee while i’m gone. still seems like there will be pee. looks like some of the pee from the mattress pad has sank into the mattress. going to do a cleaning/scrubbing bonanza when i return and throw away mattress pad.

a package with no return address, which looked ‘internationally sent,’ arrived a few days ago. have been ‘afraid’ of it. it was hydergine. i had ordered it a few weeks ago. it’s used to treat dementia. invented by the guy who invented LSD. ate half a tablet before i left for p&p and waldbaum’s. seem to be…sweating more. i don’t feel like i need caffeine. feeling better than yesterday, like, baseline mood is better, but that could just be circumstantial. ate other half of tablet a few minutes ago. ‘we’ll see.’

6:08PM: alec said i should leave around 6:30PM. asked juliet if we could reschedule our final video interview for tomorrow or later tonight. gonna write directions and get this shitshow on the road.

8:07pm: think about how many people would kill themselves if they knew they could see how people would react to their death. I would definitely do that. Then I’d probably get bored and want to be alive again.

Listening to Barr. Stopped at CVS for uti pain medicine. Sometimes I’m really moved by Barr. He seems really intense, maybe, to hang out with. I feel like we ‘get it’ and probably have the same sense of humor, but I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from arguing with him about things he feels more strongly about than I do. He reminds me of Zachary. The music thing Zachary did, Fishkind, was like a funnier version of Barr.

Picked up bag of ‘unreal’-brand candy. It’s candy without corn syrup and preservatives and hydrogenated things. There are three kinds: fake snickers, fake Reese’s peanut butter cups, fake Milky Way. Got the Reese’s kind. Who the hell eats milky ways. I did when I was little. Have a memory of running in a field after…I think my parents just parked so I could run or something. I was always wanting to run everywhere. It was in a grassy area of parking lot, in my memory, where I ran and my dad said ‘time to go’ and I said ‘can I have a Milky Way?’ He said there was one waiting for me in the car. It was in the car. It was a ‘Milky Way Dark.’ That can’t be right. Warped memory. I like the warped one better.