got lightheaded when i’d bend over swiffering. remembered someone saying something like, ‘don’t worry about it, there are plenty of idiots out there in the world who would really like you.’ it wasn’t that exactly. i don’t remember when it was said. it was just a lot of stuff like that. they were jokes i think, but also true. remembered sometimes people get hospitalized for ‘exhaustion.’ sounds good. it would feel bad to be there though, what they would think of me, isn’t ‘exhaustion’ just politically correct code for ‘drug problems.’ maybe i have a drug problem. a lot of my problems do seem centered around drugs. the hospital staff would know about ‘people like me.’ they would have biases. they would be required to do a bi-monthly training workshop about tolerance. it’s part of the job. the older hospital staff wouldn’t even think biased thoughts anymore. partially because of the training, mostly because they would’ve seen too many people like me and it wouldn’t matter anymore.

get a sick little annoyingly symbolic thrill when i see less of myself in my reflection. i like seeing more of me that’s not there. the least i can do is make it go away a little. make a little less of it a little more every day: the least you can do. stood in front of mirror for ‘daily inventory session’ of what remains of me from yesterday, as if my mental report of this would be directly sent to some forensics lab, which experts would analyze then send back to me, so finally i could know ‘what happened to the body’ and get some sleep. case closed.

7:59PM: brushed hair. a lot fell out. typing/saying ‘seems interesting’ or ‘seems funny’ after anything makes you sound like ‘don’t worry, i’m in control.’ a lot of the time when i say it i think i mean ‘don’t worry, it feels worse when someone is worried.’ i don’t like it when people have answers to everything but i’m like that too. most of the white parts of my eyes are red. i’ve been wearing bathing suit all day. all night. no reason to not wear other clothes. a lot of how i’m feeling right now is probably due to not sleeping for 31 hours and adderall leaving body. this is a miserable existence. thinking about what drug to eat to prepare me for the shower. jesus christ. how will i respond to alec. i want to see alec. i want a beer or something. i would fall over, maybe. maybe the e-cigarettes are making me feel faint. should i not wash my hoodie as a souvenir of this smell? the smell is really something else.

8–11:59PM: abandoned.

AUGUST 11, 2013

12:46AM: responded to alec’s message after i’d resigned to ‘a depressed night of not responding.’