9:28AM: ate 5mg oxycodone for ‘actual pain relief.’ seeing less fruit flies. strange abdominal cramping. morning feels bad. to my right is a 30mg adderall ‘just in case.’ seems like jordan will not visit today. no word on the jordan front. ‘the jordan front’ sounds like an early 2000’s math rock band. maybe screamo band. maybe opening for thrice this wednesday at power point live. all is quiet on the jordan front. would be funny if he showed up in a few minutes. wonder what’s going to happen. i haven’t unpacked from maryland or folded laundry or put clean sheets/comforter on the bed yet. shirley has not tried to pee the bed since yesterday. wonder what’s going to happen…!!!!

9:36AM: sleepy. can’t believe i’m allowed to live like this. i’m only going to want to stop living like this if i can stop thinking things like ‘can’t believe i’m allowed to live like this.’ it’s okay to be living like this for now…there is obviously…no other way to be doing it, for now, otherwise i’d be doing that instead.

9:45AM: whoa felt insane bad for a few seconds

normally would just leave that like it is, now going to try to unpack what felt bad exactly: i was looking somewhere between water container and sugar-free red bull. remembered i hadn’t updated recently-made auxiliary twitter where i tweet everything i eat/drink with anything i’ve ingested tonight. started thinking about how having multiple/auxiliary twitter accounts feels dark, especially considering me doing liveblog. thought about how both men i’ve been close with since starting liveblog have not liked that i was doing it. tried to imagine updating liveblog ‘or maybe a twitter’ with this and felt…just…icky/dark. remembered things i’ve typed today and felt icky/dark about them, and that there was a time when i felt positive about anything i’d say in here. then felt sudden overwhelming flashback-type series of thoughts like ‘what was different about me in the beginning of this, if i find out what it is then maybe i can get it back, i know i wasn’t happy then but at least it wasn’t now but that’s the same thing i feel now.’ remembered walking to the chinese food place to get quarters last night

what’s with me picking guys who don’t like the stuff i like then feeling sad when it’s over

okay boyle that’s dumb, don’t do that anymore

how about you seal off your…just…

your romantic interest keg is tapped

who decided that when there’s no more weed something is ‘cashed’ and when there’s no more alcohol something is ‘tapped’

wait ‘tapped’ means the alcohol just began

tapped an ass

want to make a to-do list, would that make you feel good? let’s make a to-do list:

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