thought a lot and fast. examples of thoughts: ‘does what i’m doing make sense,’ ‘what do i want,’ ‘earlier i was about to solicit person i don’t know from the internet for sex so why would this stop me,’ ‘[picture of zachary saying things to both girls he’s had sex with before having sex with them, then his face and body having sex with them] and immediate [‘repulsed’ isn’t the right word, it was more of like a general pang, like a stabby pang] feeling,’ ‘zachary hasn’t been talking to me and has been posting videos of jamie’s apartment and cats but he didn’t have sex with her,’ ‘it would feel bad to write about how i had sex with him,’ ‘sam emailed me a few minutes ago,’ ‘i have a crush on sam still but he lives far away,’ ‘[imagining myself from the perspective of anyone who could become interested in me, reading that i had had sex with zachary tonight in these circumstances, felt less interested in ‘megan’],’ ‘i wouldn’t have an orgasm because of all the things i’ve been thinking about,’ ‘my back looks bad from picking at it,’ ‘i haven’t showered in a lot of days,’ ‘my car is ten blocks away and i’ve been drinking and i want to be productive tomorrow,’ ‘i want to do it,’ ‘this is what it’s like this is sad,’ ‘i miss how it used to be,’ ‘why did everything go like this.’

1:47AM: ‘pounded’ 1mg xanax and got another beer.

1:48AM: zachary texted ‘That’s stupid.’ i texted ‘Naw it ain’t nothin’ and ‘Just trying to be better.’

2:06AM: no response. seems like the last time we’ll talk, maybe. i can picture him reading this and thinking i’m stupid and it’s stupid that i didn’t want to have sex with him and hating how i write and other things about me. fuck that. i can picture him before calling me, thinking ‘megan has sex with anyone, i’ll just call megan to have sex with her,’ having had sex six-to-twelve hours before me.

2:24AM: i’m glad he told me. he could’ve not.

2:40AM: got another beer. relieved to see one more will be left, after this. have been texting with mira and sam cooke.

UPPING THE STAKES:

if i don’t talk to the navy recruit tomorrow i have to eat a bowl of dry cat food.

if i have sex with anyone i don’t want a relationship with i have to eat a bowl of dry cat food and half a can of wet food.